Well, the news is out - we are expecting a baby in May of 2020!
I thought it proper to share this news here because many have been following my story of pregnancy loss and its aftereffects. First, I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has prayed for me, opened up to me in confidence, and shared their own stories of loss. Your kindness is something I will remember forever.
We found out about our second pregnancy on Labor Day weekend. I remember taking a test out of curiosity (something I have already done far more often than I ever dreamed I would!) and lo and behold, two lines clearly appeared! We were both speechless - even though we'd been trying for a baby again, we somehow didn't expect to be pleasantly surprised with a positive test!
We were able to confirm the news at a doctor's appointment, see our tiny little bean on the ultrasound, and hear the heartbeat. We were given much more hope at this appointment than with our first pregnancy, so we left feeling hopeful, yet guarded.
Hopeful, Yet Guarded
Actually, that's how I'd describe this entire experience - hopeful, yet guarded. We want to be joyful and excited, yet we're always on the edge waiting for all of it to disappear. We are both incredibly grateful and often anxious. And for that reason, we still covet your prayers.
For a while, I hesitated to post this news because I know that for some who are still waiting, it's the twisting of a knife. I know and understand the difficulty of watching others share their happy news while I waited and prayed for my own happy moment. To those who are still waiting, know that my heart is with you in all of this, too.
For Austin and me to move forward in the hope of becoming parents, God willing, we must be able to welcome this beautiful new blessing with completely open hearts. So even though we are certainly sensitive to those families in waiting, we have to begin moving forward writing this new chapter in our lives. And I selfishly hope that this chapter will be a happy one.
The Next Chapter
All somber notes aside, we are so grateful, blessed, and excited for this next new chapter, should the Lord bless this pregnancy until its full term. We decided to keep the news to ourselves until after a third visit to the OB. Everything looked good, so we went home in early November to share with our immediate family. We brought a stack of photos we had taken recently, and hid this little surprise in the stack for them to find!
They were pretty much as speechless as we were when we first found out, but just as grateful! Later on in November, we went back home for Thanksgiving, which was perfect timing to share the news with our extended family and friends. I showed up to our Thanksgiving parties wearing this adorable T-shirt:
It reads: "Stuffed with: Turkey, Pumpkin, A Baby." I got both the onesie and the T-shirt on Etsy.
Now that the news is out and you know more of my story here on the blog, I plan to update occasionally on how the pregnancy is progressing over the next five months. We get to find out the gender in just over a week, so get ready for lots of excitement around that news as well!
Overall, my heart is just so full and so grateful. I know that the story is just beginning and that it can go a number of ways from here. But it's ours, and it's beautiful. I often think about how we'll talk about our story of loss someday with our children, and I wonder how I should feel about moving on in confidence with this second pregnancy after losing the first. Honestly, I don't know, because on this side of heaven, I only have a small idea of the whole story God is writing for our lives. I do know that He will give us grace to know what to say when that day comes, and we fully plan to honor the child we loved and lost in every way we can. For now, we will enjoy the journey of pregnancy, never taking an ache or pain for granted.
We love you more than anything already, little one. We look forward to meeting you in May!