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Are Your Well-Intended Comments Damaging People’s Body Image?

April 10, 2020 · FEEL-GOOD FITNESS

Comments that Damage Body Image

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve talked about body image.

To be honest, my priorities have shifted since I started this blog. Restoring a positive body image was something I had been so passionate about. But since then, I’ve been through the rollercoaster of a pregnancy, miscarriage, healing and another pregnancy. It’s been a wild ride over the last year, and my blogging has certainly reflected that.

But for a moment, I want to return to that topic that has always been near and dear to my heart. Like most girls (now women), I remember struggling with body image from a very young age. I allowed negative body image to consume my life to the point that I was over-exercising, under-eating, and visibly losing weight I didn’t need to lose. More on that here.

My struggle with body image was one of the main reasons I started this blog, because I know it touches so many girls and women out there. And I’m thankful that over the last few years, the body positive movement has caused people to be more aware and inclusive of all body types as a way to promote healthy body image.

But in my own experience, even within a culture that is changing the way we think and talk about bodies, we still have battles to fight. One specific area of concern is the way people feel they can talk about other people’s bodies.

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Where Well-Intended Comments Go Wrong

By now, I hope it’s common sense to NEVER go up to someone and ask, “Have you gained weight?”

That’s obvious, right?

We all know that commenting on someone’s weight gain is rude and obviously socially unacceptable. You have no idea what might be causing the weight gain, and it’s not your business to dig into it. 

And who’s to say that someone who’s gained some weight isn’t happy exactly how they are? You can gain weight and be content with who you are and how you look. Isn’t that a novel concept?

There are enough false messages out there telling women they have to be thin to be beautiful and causing negative body image. I think by now, most of us are aware that there’s no need to pile on by continuing to comment on someone’s size. 

But is that really the case?

Seemingly innocent comments (or “compliments”) can throw people into a downward spiral of body image issues.

What about comments like “You’ve lost weight” or “You’re so thin, you can eat anything you want”? We’ve (hopefully) learned not to make comments about a person’s weight gain or larger body size, and rightfully so. But does it go both ways? 

In my experience, it doesn’t.

 

My Struggle with Seemingly Well-Intended Body Comments

I want to make sure I’m careful about this, because I know this is a difficult subject. I have never dealt with hurtful comments about weight gain because I’ve never lived in a large body. I’m not equating these scenarios. I am challenging us to think critically about the ways we comment on all types of bodies.

Growing up, I was always just average sized - not fat, not thin… just average. But even being average has most girls feeling inadequate in a culture that tells us that thinness = beauty.

As I grew out of my teenage years, my hormones shifted, and I began to lose some weight. That weight loss was like a high for me, and I chased it by over-exercising, under-eating, and displaying some scary obsessive behaviors over my weight. You can read more of that story here.

Besides the scale, the number one motivating factor for me was other people’s comments.

People I wasn’t even close with would comment that I’d lost weight, and they’d make subtle references to how I ate so healthy and how I was exercising. And for that average-looking girl that struggled with body image all throughout childhood, those comments fueled me. 

I restricted my calories even more and ran even farther just to keep those comments coming. Even my doctor once told me, “That’s a number every girl wants to see!” when I stepped on the scale at an appointment. I’m quite certain that if I did the math, that number would clearly rank me in the “underweight” category on almost every type of chart. Yet healthcare professionals told me that thin = good. And I loved it.

I thrived on people’s comments… or did I? 

I look back on these years as a pivotal time in my life. I was feeding on other people’s seemingly “innocent” comments, to the point that I ran myself into the ground with undereating and overexertion. It took a running injury, some self-reflection, and a lot of education about good nutrition to undo the damage I’d done in those years. 

The point of my story? Even “compliments” about thin bodies or weight loss can send people into a spiral of negative body image, similarly to comments about weight gain and larger bodies. 

 

comments that damage body image

 

Challenging the Way We Talk About Bodies

It is so important to be careful about how we talk about bodies. I know that what I’m saying might sound overly-sensitive and too PC. But as an expecting girl mom, the topic of body image weighs heavily on me. How will I talk about body image with my daughter? Will the things I say in passing have long-term effects on her? We have to be so, so careful that we’re not causing damage, even when we think we’re doling out compliments.

The bottom line in all of this: Keep your comments to yourself.

You may be free to talk about your body how you want, but you don’t have the right to comment on someone else’s. It doesn’t belong to you, it’s not your business, and your words may carry more weight than you realize.

Case and point: Recently, I received a comment on an Instagram post comparing my third-trimester pregnant body to this woman’s second-trimester body. It’s hard to read tone over an Instagram comment, but it was either one of those seemingly innocent “compliments” on how petite my pregnant belly is, or it was a dig implying that I’m not healthy in my pregnancy. 

Either way, comparing two pregnant bodies is completely nonsensical, and it hurt this first-time-mama’s feelings. At a time when I wanted to be proud of my growing bump, someone else felt the need to make a comment about my size. 

Regardless of the intent - it was not okay. Dragging my body into a comparison that I never asked for was both unfair to me and unhelpful to the commenter. Thankfully I’m in a much healthier headspace these days to field comments about my body, but others might not be. You have no idea how someone else may be dealing with their own body image.

Let’s keep an open conversation about body image, but refrain from commenting on other people’s bodies - especially in a culture that already has so much to say about what our bodies should be.

 

Love always,

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The Fine Line Between Fitness & Vanity | Day 12 of #30DaysOfBlogging

September 20, 2019 · FEEL-GOOD FITNESS

The Fine Line Between Fitness and Vanity | Day 12 of 30 Days of Blogging

Fitness is more than just a physical state - it's a powerful industry.

As long as humans have been concerned about appearances, the fitness industry has been there to capitalize on those insecurities. Seriously - if you've ever seen daytime TV commercials, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Some products out there are truly designed with a heart for wellness. Others are marketing ploys, convincing you that whatever shape you're currently in isn't good enough.

I take a pretty firm stance on this because I see people wasting money and chasing some unrealistic beauty ideal all the time, and it frustrates me. I hate that people waste so many precious moments of their lives wishing they could look differently. The more that gadgets, programs, products and supplements are marketed, the more people feel like they're not doing enough.

But here's the thing - more does not equal more, and thinner does not equal better. Branding, wording, and marketing matter. And that's where I see so many companies go wrong.

 

Beware of the Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

Think about those gimmicky infomercials I was talking about; now think about how they advertise for these companies. Usually, you'll see before and after photos that don't really look real, and a middle-aged woman who's super proud that she fits into her jeans from high school. The bottom line these companies promote is that shrinking down is the key to happiness.

This is why I struggle with the fitness industry. This sort of exclusivity has left a bad taste in my mouth, because it sends the message that thinner is better. Thinner makes you happier and makes your husband more attracted to you. Fitting into those old jeans is a victory, so now you can go on living your life inherently better than everyone else because you bought their product and lost weight. (Did I layer that sarcasm on a little too thick?)

Think about all the times you've read the words "shred," "melt" or "slim" in reference to a particular workout or product. This wording insinuates a constant striving to be thinner, and for some, this messaging is detrimental.

 

A Fine Line

From what I can tell, there's a fine line between fitness and vanity. All of these products designed to whip you into shape are heavily marketed by making you feel crappy about the way you currently look. It's okay to want to look a certain way, but don't hang your happiness on it. That's where the industry gets it wrong.

When it comes to making choices about health and fitness, think about how the product is being marketed to you. Does the company...

  • promote mental and emotional health alongside physical health?
  • include and accept all body types?
  • promote a healthy, realistic nutrition plan?
  • promote strength, endurance, and non-scale measurements of health?
  • use careful wording when branding and marketing their products?

I don't consider myself an expert on the body positive movement, but I do care that the companies I support strive to encourage a healthy body image over vanity. And I think it's important that we choose wisely for the sake of our own wellness, and as we influence the next generation.

 

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The Fine Line Between Fitness & Vanity | Day 12 of 30 Days of Blogging

 

 

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Measuring Up: Ditching the Scale to Find Your Freedom

February 25, 2019 · FEEL-GOOD FITNESS

Measuring Up: Ditching the Scale to Find Your Freedom

Picture this.

You just rolled out of bed and you're about to jump in your morning shower. You spy that scale hiding in the corner of your bathroom, and you're curious. You haven't eaten since dinner last night... Maybe your numbers have gone down. There's only one way to know, so you gently step on the scale, hoping for the best but trying to prepare for the worst. After a few seconds, you gather the courage to look down at your feet. And...

...well, does it matter? Is there a number in the world that would satisfy you? I hate to break it to you, but the answer is NO.

I see you, girl. You're already formulating your reasons for clinging to an ideal weight. I get it. I still struggle with this. So let's figure out why we think we need this number.

 

The "Ideal"

At some point in time, you've developed an ideal for your body. Like most other women, you played the comparison game and accepted defeat. There's a picture in your mind detailing exactly how you want to look, and along with that image, a number is attached. You've done the calculations in your head, and you know you need to lose __ pounds to earn that body. No matter how you get there, you're determined that this is the number you need to see when you step on that scale. Once you see it, all of the comparisons and ideals will disappear, and you'll live happily ever after. The end!

Let's get real. That happy ending doesn't exist, because when you take the bait to play that comparison game, you'll lose every time. There's always going to be a new and improved ideal to chase. Sure, you may feel a fleeting sense of accomplishment when you see that perfect number on the scale for the first time. But when you weigh in again and realize that you've stalled or worse, gained a pound or two (gasp!), your happy ending is already over.

I've experienced this over and over, starting at a very young age. When I think back to when this cycle of discontentment started for me, I am truly saddened. It's a narrative I hope the next generation of girls will overcome, starting with our generation of women leading them.

 

My Experience with Body Image

I was probably 7 or 8 years old when I began noticing my own weight. Somewhere along the line I had picked up the idea that weight gain was bad. And, as children often do, I made the association that weight gain meant that I was bad, or at least, not good enough. Think about that for a minute - I was afraid to gain weight at a time when growth was the most important thing for my body.

This is hardly an isolated case. Studies have shown that many young girls become aware of their weight and develop the idea that they need to lose weight in their early years, much like I did. They grow up believing that their weight isn't the right number, even if they're unsure of what that number is supposed to be. Soon, they begin to notice all the ways their bodies are different from other girls' bodies and narrow down their ideal body. This is when many young girls develop a poor relationship with food and exercise (but that's a topic for another day!).

From this very early age, I was both fixated on and terrified of the scale. Weighing myself was something I had to do if I wanted to be "better," but obviously, since I was still growing, my numbers went up much more frequently than they went down. And so the scale became my frenemy for years to come.

Fast forward to my early adult years, when hormonal changes caused weight to come off naturally here and there. People started noticing and commenting on the fact that I looked slimmer, and it felt good. And if the weight was coming off naturally, just imagine how much would come off if I started dieting and working out religiously! Then I'd finally be happy. The end. Cue the credits.

Nope.

Yes, I did drop a bunch of weight, and yes, people noticed. And yes, I did feel good when I got on the scale! It was validation for all my hours spent working out and all the calories I deprived of myself. Even at a weigh-in at the doctors office, my nurse told me, "Wow! That's a number every girl wants to see on the scale." According to others, I had reached the ideal. But discontentment still managed to creep in, and soon the number on the scale wasn't small enough. I worked myself to exhaustion and counted every calorie I ate (shooting for under 1,000 a day!). It was absolute madness.

 

Ditch the Scale

I don't know what saved me from that super unhealthy, discontented comparison cycle. Maybe it was others sharing their stories, just like this one, that helped me realize that I was not alone and there was a way out. Among many changes to my diet and workout structure, one of the most beneficial ways to get out of the crazy comparison game was to ditch the scale.

No, I didn't actually throw it out. My husband uses it occasionally - he doesn't struggle with the number, he's just genuinely curious! But I am strong enough now to walk past the scale and to say no when I feel the urge to step on it. My husband will occasionally ask me, "Don't you just want to know?" And truthfully, even though I do want to know my weight, I also know myself. I know the mind games and the internal turmoil I go through when I see that number. It is NEVER good enough. It doesn't matter if I've reached my own ideal number, or if I've reached every woman's ideal. For me, stepping on that scale is taking the bait to play the comparison game. And I will lose.

Of course there are reasons for some people to consistently weigh themselves due to legitimate medical concerns. If that is the case for you, please follow the steps your doctor has given you to become healthier. However, for most women, this is not the reason we're weighing in. We do it to measure up to some ideal standard we've set for ourselves at a ridiculously young age.

Does this story sound too familiar to you? Trust me, you are not alone! If you've been rolling the dice on the comparison game, please STOP. Ditch the scale - it's not an accurate measurement of your beauty or your worth. If you feel you need to make changes to the way you eat or exercise, do it because you have made the choice, not because of an arbitrary number. Let's find positive, constructive goals to measure up to and do away with the "ideal."

With love,

Rachel

 

Measuring Up: Ditching the Scale to Find Your Freedom

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About Me

Hi, I'm Rachel! I'm a millennial wife and mama loving life in the Midwest. Follow me for lifestyle tips like balanced food, accessible workouts, and personal growth inspiration!

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